Saturday, April 12, 2008

My NRA Card

Today, my National Rifle Association membership card came in the mail.

Okay, full disclosure: it was a temporary NRA card—one of those plastic deals with my name slightly misspelled, placed with sticky goo on a letter so that it can be seen through the plastic window of the envelope in which it came. Of course, after opening the envelope, I quickly learned (should I choose to pay twenty-five patriotic dollars) that a permanent, personalized card would soon follow.

And a bit more disclosure—I consider myself a liberal with no desire to own a gun, touch a gun, use a gun, or write a manifesto explaining my need for a gun. Let it be known, if I ever write a manifesto, I’ll post it right here for you. Because I love you. Because nothing says I love you more than a blog-posted manifesto. But I digress…

Back to my envelope. Much to my surprise, upon receiving my NRA card, I was thrilled—thrilled because an organization that I would NEVER join has wasted its money to send me their solicitation. It was the same thrill I felt when I got a letter in 2004 from George and Laura Bush along with a signed photo, asking for my support in George’s bid for re-election. My wife refused to let me frame and hang the photo in the house. Where did I put that thing?

I couldn’t help but think then, as I do now, that I’d love to follow the Byzantine trail that leads from me to the conservative spam list on which my name must appear. Did it all start when I printed my email address on the contest form to win the Hummer at the mall while my wife wasn’t looking? Guess it serves me right.

But my ironic thrill did not end simply at the arrival of my new NRA card. No, my thrill grew once I read the letter which accompanied my temporary card, warning me that the “freedom-hating Hollywood elite” were recruiting allies and spending millions to ban and confiscate our guns, “just like they did in England, Canada and Australia.” Heaven knows what hell-holes those countries have become. Tea-drinking, crumpet-munching, Queen-loving, non-gun-owning freaks. No thank you. Sign me up for the real card.

The letter went on to reveal that there are many benefits of an NRA card. These benefits include (if I act now!) a heavy-duty duffel bag bearing the NRA logo. Cool! This duffel would be the perfect place to carry my guns of choice when visiting a local mall or place of higher education or Jamba Juice. Ooh, I love those. Have you had the Mango Madness? Yum. Pairs well with expressions of your Amendment II rights.

Another amazing benefit of true NRA membership is one’s choice of NRA magazines filled with, “eye-popping photography, information-packed reviews of the hottest new guns, gear and ammo, hundreds of hunting tips plus all the news and strategies you need to defend your freedoms.” Tempting, my friends. Oh, so tempting. I just hope the magazines are worded clearly enough so that a knucklehead like me doesn’t confuse my hunting tips with my strategies for defending my freedoms. Here, I’m reminded of Dick Cheney shooting his lawyer. Which was that—a hunting tip or a freedom fighting strategy?

But my favorite is the third benefit—an NRA member “credentials package,” including a guide to insurance, Friends of NRA events, safety training, and up to 60% off on Starkey® hearing aid products.

Guh-wha? Hearing aid products? I kid you not. It says that verbatim!

That tells me that either gun ownership harms people’s hearing (and I believe that it does—but isn’t that a fair price for freedom?), or that there’s a skew towards gun ownership by people already hard of hearing. Is there a deaf militia out there? Who knew?! That’s either very liberating or entirely scary. How do you plead for your life when the man with the gun to your face can’t hear your pleas? Not fair.

Charlton Heston—once president of the NRA—passed away this month. Think what you will of the man, of the roles he played in “The Ten Commandments” or the equally Biblical, “Planet of the Apes,” but I was surprised my solicitation for membership didn’t evoke Mr. Heston’s memory. Lost opportunity, perhaps?

Then again, I always wondered how the NRA reconciled Heston’s leadership with their indictment of the aforementioned “freedom-hating Hollywood elite.” Maybe they regarded him as an exception to the rule. I’m sure he would have been happy to put a bullet between the eyes of one of those “damn dirty apes.” (Again, “hunting tip” or “freedom strategy”? Maybe both). Did Heston like Jamba Juice? What the hell am I talking about?

At this point I only know four things:
  1. I’m on some sort of conservative spam list and sort of loving it

  2. Charlton Heston is dead and officially being left out of NRA solicitations

  3. I have an inexplicable craving for Jamba Juice
  4. I have a new item on my to-do list—write a blog-posted manifesto sometime in the future

Is this what it’s like to be a card-carrying conservative? I’m giddy.


© 2008, Herb Williams-Dalgart

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I took my autographed George W Bush photo out back and took target practice.

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot!

Anonymous said...

Our government should force each and every one of us to have, carry and use firearms often. Just like they force upon us insurance (one of the worlds biggest con jobs ever to be allowed), unrealistic taxes (on everything) and fuel prices. "Mad Max" is looking better every day. If everyone carried a weapon of choice in their NRA duffel bag into the mall and jamba juice, (a place for people who are to lazy to make their own and probably are in many aspects of their lives) Thugs would think twice, after a brief thinning of the heard. Of course there are idiots everywhere. Just look at the news every single time for traffic accidents when its raining. If you choose not to have a gun, you might as well choose to be spayed, neutered or both to be on the safe side. Wouldn't want you spreading your whimpy, lazy ideals. Oh, and by the way. I want to sincerely thank you very much for your internet blog on this subject matter. I wasn't considering joining the NRA until I came across your FREE advertising for them. See you at jamba juice! I will also think of you every time I bring my duffel bag into the mall.
gr8act4u2c@gmail

Anonymous said...

Herb,

I lament for you as you will never understand. Cynicism is the easiest form of writing as it takes no original thought. All you need to do is to look at what has gone wrong, in your opinion, and offer suggestions as to what should have been done. Your 20 - 20hindsight seems so enlightening to you ( and it is as the dimmest bulb is relatively bright when one hides in darkness all the time). Lucky for all of us, including you, that the men and women who have been called to defend the freedom we have, and that you take so for granted, were of a mindset to defend our freedom at all costs, and not just coast along and spue criticism. I bet you even think you are an amusing intellectual. That may be your fist original thought, even though again you will be incorrect. Have a happy ride in life as you enjoy your freedom and go about denigrating those who have given their time, health and even lives for your ability to do so. BTW, the 2nd Amendment would make good reading for you. Ta ta

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,

Herb here! First off, thank you for visiting my blog. I love the traffic and appreciate your visit.

Thank you also for taking time to express your opinion. While I don’t consider my blog an “opinion” blog or a political blog, I surely do express my thoughts and welcome others to do the same.

I should also share with you that I am thrilled to observe that, while criticizing my views on the NRA and their use of the SECOND amendment, you took the time to exercise your FIRST amendment rights! Way to go! Woo-hoo for the amendments! I love them like my own children.

I have, contrary to your belief, read the 2nd amendment and you may be surprised to know that I fully support it (though I think it’s painfully obvious to frequent visitors that my love is stronger for the first amendment—who can forget their first, after all?).

It may further surprise you to know that I appreciate the sacrifices made by those who worked and died to insure my rights, 2nd amendment included, though you have somehow surmised that I do not. In short, I’m puzzled by the leap you’ve made between my musings on the NRA and your presumption of my stand on rights afforded by the 2nd amendment. Maybe you were enjoying a Jamba Juice and skipped parts…

Unless you’re the president of the NRA (wow, how cool would that be?), I can’t see where you found in my posting any criticism or denigration of your beliefs. I’m all about the love, Anonymous. Read some of the other posts. Can’t you feel the love?

Simply because someone doesn’t wish to own or use a gun, doesn’t mean they don’t support one’s right to do so. Just like gay marriage, you don’t have to use the right to believe it should be a right. Yay, gay marriage! Will anyone invite me to their gay wedding? I think the cake will be FABULOUS! I wonder if you agree with me, Anonymous…

As for original thoughts, I can’t claim to have had one. Not a single one. On that point, we can agree. I’ll count on you to keep track and let me know if I accidently express one. Keep in touch, okay?

And to your point about whether I think of myself as an amusing intellectual, let’s just say I aspire. While I have no doubt people have been amused by me, I suspect it was for reasons which still escape me. I’m like that. Painfully unaware.

We’re all people, my anonymous friend; people with opinions—every gun-toting, gay-marrying one of us. We may not agree, but we can still be nice, right?

And, if you’d like a good reading recommendation (since we’re apparently sharing those, too), I’d suggest you read my next blog posting. I’m sure it will be intellectually amusing.

Then again, maybe not.

RetroMama said...

Awww, poor little "anonymous"!

Too "whimpy" to admit his/her identity... (Or to check spelling!)

Sorry. Couldn't resist. Hey, let's get together soon... I find I'm craving Jamba Juice.

Plastic Cards said...

Hi,

I think it is very useful organization for its members.Thanks for sharing such a nice information about to the NRA card and procedure about its membership.
Regards.

Plastic Card said...

Thanks for giving me such type of information which is useful for my knowledge.

Unknown said...

Here's a funny music video making fun of "gun free zones from sea to sea." The vision of "New America" according to progressives, who hate the NRA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ibHFAXGUwo

Anonymous said...

Herb, I came across your blog while searching for a review of that NRA bag, it's time to renew my membership. I'm a retired military guy with weapons both on display and some strategically hidden for fast access. I'm one of those guys you don't see, up in a tree with my bow. We have a stream, a generator, a boat, and tractor, ATV etc. Guess you could say we can fend for ourselves & don't visit the mall much.
You might be anticipating me blasting you with some tirade over your opinions, not at all...just want to say how much I enjoyed reading your blog on my laptop via a dish antenna pulling a signal from space, somehow.

vipers4freedom@yahoo.com

صقر المملكه said...

تسليك مجارى
خدمات تنظيف
خدمات كشف تسربات
خدمات مكافحة حشرات
نصائح منزلية
نقل اثاث و عفش